Online dating can be rough. That's where weed comes in.
Technology has imploded the analog world and constructed a strange new one in its place. With the internet and its infinite vortex of superficial relationships, people are more connected yet further apart than ever. Romantic connections materialize or evaporate based on which way you swipe your finger across a digital image of the person’s face. And while online dating can be cool, connecting you with people you would never meet in real life, it also fucking sucks. Each horrible pickup line and unsolicited dick pic is a fully erect reminder that despite all these attempts at togetherness, it’s all too easy to end up feeling alone.
Dark, I know. What to do? Get stoned, of course. As an experienced stoner and digital dater, I know that any foray into online dating requires a little hope, a lot of courage, and even more THC. Here are some products cosigned by both me and the rest of the Proper Cannabis Committee (PCC). They should help guide you through the unholy wilderness, from making swiping suck less to forgetting the date ever happened in the first place and even a little something to celebrate on the off chance it’s an actual match.
Good For: Making Swiping Suck Less
Product: Cann’s Lemon Lavender Social Tonic
Online dating is a dark, deep wormhole you don’t want to enter drunk. If you’ve ever done it, I don’t need to tell you why and if you haven’t, spare yourself before it’s too late. Cann’s Lemon Lavender Social Tonic is a more fun, more safe option than booze. Bright, sparkly, bubbly, and light, this incredible little soda is one of my favorite products on the market right now. Each can comes in at only 2mg THC and 4mg CBD, so you’ll keep your wits about you while the light high cushions you throughout this sometimes funny, sometimes soul-crushing process. Seeing how lonely people want to be perceived on the internet is tough (especially when you are one of them), but this soda helps.
Good For: Handling the Anxiety of the IRL Meet
Product: Breez’s Cinnamon CBD 1:1 Mints
Making the leap from hypothetical plans and flirty DMs to actually finding out how tall the person you’ve been flirting with really is can be a lot. To deal with this particularly strange brand of anxiety, you need CBD. You need THC. You need Breez mints. Breez’s Cinnamon CBD 1:1 Mints are specifically designed to administer a steady, manageable high that’s perfect for anything, really, but specifically providing social buoyancy for potentially awkward situations. At 5mg THC and 5mg CBD per mint, you’ll remain cool, calm, and discreet all the while dazzling this potential suitor with your good looks, natural charm, and festive breath. It’s a win-win-win in my book.
Good For: Surviving the Date, Good or Bad
Product: Kin Slips’ Float On Sublinguals
Welp, you made it this far. You’re now on the date, and unless you’re an actual savage, there’s no turning back. Best case scenario, you’ve met the partner of your dreams. Worst case scenario, you’re stuck with a stranger for at least one beer. To prepare for the best and the worst, bring a couple of Kin Slips’ Float On sublinguals. With 10mg of THC and an upbeat high, these little strips of watermelon-mint heaven dissolve under your tongue almost instantly, providing a respite from whatever situation you may have gotten yourself into. And because they dissolve under the tongue, they work immediately, moving through your bloodstream instead of being digested like normal edibles. Take one if the date is good, take more if it’s not.
Good For: Sharing When the Date Goes Well
Product: Lola and Lola’s Mingle Blend Pack
Congrats! You’ve hit the fucking jackpot. They’re hot. They’re funny. They smoke weed. Celebrate this incredible gift from the universe with a joint. If you want to get fancy, then share the whole damn pack. Joint packs, the canna-product trend du jour, are not all created equal. Nothing could be more tragic than killing the vibe with a heavy indica strain, or worse, an anxiety-inducing sativa blend. In terms of both vibe-preservation and social lubrication, Lola and Lola’s Mingle Blend Pack is the ideal choice. These potent little joints get you high enough to be comfortable, social, and maybe even intimate, but not so high that you end up in a sexless vortex of silence.
Good For: Enjoying Alone When the Date Totally Sucks
Product: GangaGold’s Red Tarantula
In perhaps the most relatable hypothetical of all, the date fucking sucked, the person exhibited multiple glaring flaws not addressed by their online profile, and you’re home alone, again, watching Netflix with a face mask on. Though dark is the night that follows a failed Tinder date, salvation comes in many forms. The best form, in my opinion, is a giant hash-infused joint that’s been rolled in kief. GangaGold’s Red Tarantula pre-roll is as monstrous as it sounds. Each puff of this thing serves as a mind vice capable of crushing even the sharpest daggers of self-doubt. When the ebb and flow of looking for love on the internet becomes too much to bear, it’s time to go back to analog. Swipe left on reality by getting as high as humanly possible, then log out entirely by going to sleep. By morning, you’ll be ready to do it all over again.