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Guide

The Stoner Parent Survival Kit: Portland Edition

These products help me calm my nerves, get in the moment, and rock this whole parenting thing.

Being a parent is no easy feat. It’s a mostly thankless job with no pay, impossible hours, and a burnout rate of 100%. One of the few things that helps me maintain my fragile parental sanity is cannabis. But not just any cannabis—oh no. There are far too many products out here to blithely credit cannabis alone for my illusory stability. In a vast market of skillfully crafted, meticulously cultivated, and precisely designed cannabis products, there are a few that stand out as relievers of all the specific maladies of modern parenthood (constant confusion, eternal sleep deprivation, and perpetual generalized fear).

I should mention I already friggin’ know children are a gift. But you know what else is a gift? A mellow enough disposition to spend decades of my own life teaching a ball of flesh how to be a worthwhile human. From where I stand, no amount of parenting guides will put me in a better state of mind to deal with that reality than the right blast of cannabinoids.

To be clear, this survival kit is for more than just your own home’s stone zone. In my mind, survival kits should be mobile the products should be odorless or have a perfume that’s not obviously skunky. Visually, they should blend in seamlessly with the contents of the requisite parental day bag while standing out enough to not get lost in the clutter. On planet Brianna, pen vapes, artisan edibles, and sublingual tinctures are mommy’s favorite little helpers.


For the groggiest, crankiest of mornings

Luminous Botanicals' Meadow Tincture

Sleep is elusive for the parent, and on mornings when you can feel the satanic fire of eternal exhaustion flickering behind your eyeballs, this tincture will extinguish the flames and leave you with citrusy, foamy contentment. Just one dropper-full under your tongue as a chaser for your latte will take your worldview from sleepy rage to tranquil sage, and the onset is an eye-opener that even coffee at dawn can't compete with.

With this concentrate, all of the strain’s sparkling clarity and fizzy energy are at full power.

EVOLVD's Tangie Cartridge

There are nuances in the effects of Tangie that are lost when the flower is combusted, but with this concentrate, all of the strain’s sparkling clarity and fizzy energy are at full power. This cartridge not only turns a bad mood around, it also amplifies cognitive function and improves dexterity. When lack of sleep has you feeling like a beef jerky version of yourself, this is the Tangie for metaphysical rehydration.

For the afternoon tantrum or outing (or, let’s be honest, both)

Oregrown's Mango Sherbert PAX Era Pod

Let me paint a familiar picture for you. It’s been a busy day. Maybe an appointment, storytime, or play date has your small charge feeling overstimulated and averse to a much-needed nap. When they are off the chain in only the way non-napping children can be, sneak yourself two hits of this and it won’t bother you one iota if they bounce off the walls for the rest of the day. Your attitude will go from, “omg please calm the eff down” to “go on, kid, live your life,” which, in my stoner opinion, is definitely the more sustainable way to parent.

One gel cap and you’ll spiritually be as supple as bamboo.

Ionic's Blue City Diesel Cartridge

Seeing the world through a child’s eyes can reinvigorate our sense of wonder and remind us of our place in the universe—when we’re a little bit stoned, of course. Otherwise, watching a preschooler discover a pile of rocks for hours can be deadly boring. Ionic’s Blue City Diesel imbues the banality of those weekday afternoons with a bright, rosy luxury. It’s a nice reminder of the real luxuries in life, like spending time with your kid as they discover rocks.

For when they finally go the fuck to sleep

Nu's Phoenix Tears 1:1 Gel Caps

The fleeting me-time that occurs after their bedtime and before yours is more valuable than gold. Make the most of it with a jubilantly relaxing high that simultaneously calms and inspires. These gel caps are a blessing for those who have the near-impossible task of both relaxing and getting shit done at the end of the day. One gel cap and you’ll spiritually be as supple as bamboo as you grind away the remainder of your wakeful hours, which is more than any burnt-out parent can ask for, really.

This is the daiquiri-flavored imaginary vacation every parent deserves.

Leif Goods' New Mexican Chocolate Bar

Pop one of these after dinner to A) reward yourself for making it through another day, and B) catch an activation that coincides with your youngster's bedtime. This chocolate’s relaxing plunge into wakeful spaciness is the perfect way for the harried parent to call it a day and relax into some adult-themed activities. And if you're worried the flavor might be on the spicier side, don't worry. It's not.

Orchid Essentials' Tropical Trainwreck Cartridge

This is the daiquiri-flavored imaginary vacation every parent deserves. The high is uniquely responsive, and when toked in the less energetic evening hours, it can soften any of the day’s leftover hard edges. The onset is a bit of a rush, but the high develops into richly layered, ultra-chill tropical spa vibes. Pro tip: get wild for once and pair it with an actual daiquiri. Then toast yourself for another successful day of keeping a human child alive. 


About the Author

In addition to being an essayist and blogger, Brianna enjoys making music, designing and constructing her own fashions, cooking fabulous dinners, and playing weed sommelier to all of her friends and family.

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