Californian football fans, this is the kit to get you through the highs and lows and mountains of spinach dip.
Football season is underway and just like that your Sundays have been spoken for. By now, allegiances have been tested and a strong narrative of smack talk has been established with several coworkers and the ever-present childhood friend who does not miss an opportunity to text you memes regarding the putrid state of your favorite team. As a member of the Proper Cannabis Committee (PCC) and long-time football fan, I’ve tested countless cannabis products while watching, cheering, commiserating, and stuffing myself full of wings. As with the great American sport we all know and love, there are some winners and lots of losers. In this football fanatic cannabis kit, you’ll find only the winners because let’s face it, we’ll take those victories where we can get them.
Flower to help you lock in your fantasies
Some of my best highs have transported me to realms unknown as if I entered a fantasy world of my own making. Then there is the very real world of Fantasy Football where reputations are made and laughingstocks are crowned. Steer clear of those deep euphoric flowers when picking your line-up. You’ll need to focus in on which of your fantasy players are healthy and who is available off the waiver wire. Canndescent’s Create flower helps you quiet the mind and hone in on the task at hand. Do a deep dive into the projected stats of your starting running backs or go full “Beautiful Mind” and draw up charts illustrating the precipitous drop in output for your favorite Argentine kicker. This is a bud that gets you invested for the long haul while giving the ol’ Heisman Trophy stiff-arm to all incoming anxiety.
A social tonic to prevent hangovers
Due to the ostentatious size of your flatscreen TV and ample couch space, your household is the de-facto gathering place for watching the games. While the nachos and beers are always present and the Buffalo wings are spicier than ever, you’d be well served to have an extra cooler of carbonated cannabis on hand. After all, not all your friends drink booze, so hook them up with some chilled Grapefruit Rosemary Social Tonic by Cann and sing their praises when they wind up being the chillest guests there. (Unlike your friend Sue who brought her own handle of budget rum and broke your child’s tricycle when she tried to be funny by making what she called a “clean getaway.”) At only 2mg of THC and 4mg of CBD per can, weed newbies will be comfy with one while veterans could easily clear a six-pack and still be lucid for the final quarter. That’s what I call a win-win.
A pre-roll for when you inevitably get a hangover
The day after a big game can be a real slog. Lean on Korova’s Super Silver Haze pre-roll and let it help address any lingering nausea left by all those brewskies. This joint can turn a morning peppered with curse words into an afternoon of euphoric bliss. Your hangover should be cut in half with this joy-inducing sativa and works even greater wonders when paired with coffee. As I detailed in my review of Korova’s Super Silver Haze pre-roll, it may just make you a better person, too—not to overhype it or anything. In any case, you will need something to bring you back to life so you can root for your squad in the great American phenomenon known as Monday Night Football.
A PAX Era pod for quarterback-level stealth
If you’re like me, your love of football probably resembles your love of cannabis in similar ways. Both come with their specific rituals and ceremony. The act of throwing on a game jersey and putting on lucky socks can be as intimate as rolling a joint. Sometimes the lighting of the joint can be a bit of a hassle, though. Sometimes you have in-laws and youngsters coming over, in which case you have to improvise, or hemprovise as I like to say.
For such covert operations, I stick my hand under the proverbial table and reach for the stealth technology of Bloom Farms’ Headband PAX Era Pod. It packs the sort of body buzz that melts me into the nucleus of my couch while keeping me sharp enough to yell at the television in case the referees botch another call. It also has the added benefit of not drawing attention to itself and being light on the odor to boot. No need to run down the block to sneak in a quick bowl and make it back just in time to miss another touchdown.
Just make sure you have your vaping strategy down. For instance, don’t use my old “Hey, is that the ghost of Joe Montana over there?!” trick, because A, Joe Montana is alive, and B, nobody ever looks over there long enough for you to get a decent drag off the PAX Era. Better to walk into your bedroom or if you have a conservatory, by all means, go in there and vape your Headband.
A tea to balance out the machismo (and jalapeno poppers)
After your last friend has left (and Sue has gotten in the Uber you called for her), the full weekend of football-oriented Bacchanalia can start to weigh on you. Between the general malaise and dozens of jalapeno poppers making your stomach feel like Joe Theismann’s bum leg, you could use some rest. Well, go wide because I’m throwing Kikoko's Sympa-Tea your way. Some stomach-settling ginger, turmeric, and licorice root should be just the thing to tame the coming storm that lurks within. Each satchel contains 3mg of THC and 30mg of CBD to ensure a good night’s rest free from the psychic trauma of losing your sixth consecutive fantasy football matchup. A good night’s sleep will get you back on track and ready to buckle down for next week. Before you know it, it’ll be time to go back to the top of this list and repeat it all over again.