Bonbons Are The New Boner Pills
Grab a glass of water because these sea salt caramel bonbons are bound to make you thirsty.
The first time I came across Altai’s Sea Salt Caramel Bon Bons, I was navigating a cannabis-themed sex party in a hilly suburb of Los Angeles. So it felt fitting I should try them again—albeit years later—while shopping for sex toys on a casual Friday night with my girlfriend. You’re probably thinking I’m a deviant and you would be right, but to be fair, an old boss sending me to the weed-sex party and shopping for adult toys is about as provocative as getting an oil change these days. That said, any and all sexual innuendo in this review should be taken with a fat grain of Mediterranean sea salt—just like the bonbons I’m here to gush about.
“Yeah, I’m all about the fancy chocolate life.”
I know I’m not alone in thinking there’s something romantic about a box of chocolates. And I’m not talking about the drugstore variety Forrest Gump might fondle at a bus stop. I’m talking about fancy chocolates—geometric shapes, glossy outer shells, fillings so delicate they seem to vaporize in your mouth. Yeah, I’m all about the fancy chocolate life. So when I come across a fancy weed chocolate, you better bet your ass I expect it to be as delightful as the grossly overpriced, non-drugged thing. In fact, I not only expect them to taste like a higher tax bracket, I expect them to mentally transport me there as well. On all of these ridiculously bougie fronts, Altai’s pot-laced bonbons did not disappoint.
The chocolate itself was smooth and balanced, providing creamy notes as well as bitter undertones that kept the candy as a whole from tasting overly sweet. While I’m typically not a huge fan of caramel for this reason, I found Altai’s variety to be pleasantly nutty with hints of butterscotch. The complete lack of herbal flavor can pose a danger to sweet tooths, though, so do take care to dose accordingly. At 10mg of THC per piece, I wasn’t about to pop an entire bonbon, but luckily the flavors were so robust I felt satisfied biting one in half. Just don’t count on these puppies to be great for microdosing since they’re somewhat difficult to contain once you crack them open—assuming you have it in you to destroy the works of art that they are in the first place. While the packaging may not be anything to write home about, the chocolates themselves look like geodesic gems fitting for the kind of girl who charges her crystals to the sound of sperm whales.
“A warm feeling washed over me that was not totally unlike the buzz I tend to get from a glass of champagne.”
But flavors and aesthetics are short-lived, flimsy attributes. The real test comes down to how an edible makes you feel. About a half hour after eating roughly 5mg worth of highbrow caramel, a warm feeling washed over me that was not totally unlike the buzz I tend to get from a glass of champagne. The stiffness in my shoulders and lower back started to drift away and every song in my Discover Weekly playlist started sounding perfectly designed for me. I felt a little giddy and uplifted as the afternoon receded into twilight and my girl revved up her Subaru to take us to Cupid’s Closet.
I must say, sex toy technology has come a long way in the eight or so years since I last entered an adults-only store. Back in my day, it was all furry handcuffs and marked up riding crops. Now it’s like we’re working with spare parts from Westworld—and when I say parts, I do mean body parts. With the bonbon fully kicked in, every detail of this brave new world demanded my full attention. And even though I thought I possessed the detached grace of a heart surgeon as we perused the wares, I found out later I’d been giggling like it was my job. Naturally, I’ll continue my search for a weed chocolate that makes me sauve, but I can’t complain about the heavy dose of euphoria, which diffused otherwise awkward interactions.
Like when the saleswoman said, “Sorry my nails look gross. I swear I’m not getting locked up in a dungeon or anything.”
“No shame in that game,” my girlfriend said.
Back at the house, I decided to take another small bite from the half I had left. At this point, I was about three hours into my original journey and the giddiness had tapered off and left me somewhat sleepy. Within no time at all, I was feeling very, ahem, aroused. Considering the entire context of the evening, I can’t attribute all the sexy vibes to one little caramel, but I will say they provided me the kind of comfortable mood boost I needed to truly let go of a long, cumbersome week.
Having tested out these bonbons in a couple different settings, I get the impression they’ll enhance whatever mood you’re already in. If I’m trying to spend hours on the phone with a long-distance friend, I know they’ll help me stay lighthearted and engaged. If I’m looking to binge watch Shark Week and eat chocolate granola for dinner, they’ll keep feelings of self-loathing at bay. Whatever the scenario, I imagine these bonbons will treat your mood like a lightly padded bralette treats your boobs. Sometimes all you need is a little lift.