This Concentrate Gave Me Suburban Superpowers
Too much will floor you, but the right dose will give you wings.
One hazard of reviewing cannabis: I occasionally become violently too high. I’m a varsity stoner, so it’s not a persistent worry, but maybe it should be. It’s at least something I’m considering a bit more after a particularly raucous journey with Eel River’s Chernobyl Live Diamonds.
“Once I settled into it, the rest of the day vibrated with luminosity.”
Eel River Organics’ Chernoybl concentrate has a commanding lineage. Its parent strains Trainwreck, Jack the Ripper, and Trinity are all notable sativa strains, and each comes with distinctive qualities. Eel River’s hybrid CO2 concentrate tempered the aggressive spaciness of its sativa profile with a cushy illumination, but it couldn’t quite surmount the burly headlock of the onset. Truth be told, I felt violated by the onset of the high, almost like it was humiliating me in front of my friends. I had to literally place one knee on the floor to center myself and regain balance after my dab. You guys, this dab put me on the actual ground.
I expect to blast off into another dimension when I dab, but this was too damn much. I had to place my face on the ground to commune with the center of the earth for a few moments. My heart forgot that it is a vital organ. My torso locked up like a power-tripping club bouncer—no air in, no exceptions, back of the line. This metaphysical chokehold shook me around for nearly an hour before it finally began to develop into its final form, which happened to be a sunny, delightful daytime sativa. Once I settled into it, the rest of the day vibrated with luminosity. I relaxed into some alphabet block play with my kiddo and let the high dissipate with sumptuous luxury.
My dose was a typical one: about two-thirds the size of a grain of rice, or just enough to balance on the tip of the stainless steel Korean chopstick I use as a dab tool. Clearly, it was too much. I know that now. So, for round two, I split my original dose into two smaller portions and then dabbed those consecutively. I wanted all the weekend morning vibes but none of the bruising onset and the two smaller dabs delivered just that. During round two, the high was effortless. The inhale was sheer and lemony with a pale exhale reminiscent of freshly cut grass. The clarity that I’ve come to associate with dabs was shining brightly at the onset. The body high was cool, refreshing, and crisp like a fountain-fresh Sprite. I felt confident, motivated, and determined to carpe the whole dang diem.
I scooted my kiddo off to school, completed a couple of errands, and went ham at the gym. Because I am a lady who loves to get rip-roaring faded before I zone out on the elliptical for a half hour, my experiences with weed are often enhanced by all the booty-ballooning endorphins I create. And while many of my rating sessions take place mid-stairclimber, this high in particular was a spectacular addition to my weedy workout ritual.
“It looks like rich amber honey flecked with glistening sugar crystals and a citrusy perfume that smells like pure summer.”
Halfway into my high, time started to feel inconsequential. I typically start my workout with 30 minutes of cardio, and this time, I was so pleasantly deep in my thoughts I hardly felt my heart rate rise the whole half hour. At the free weight area I lunged like a thigh-busting workout zombie, and what should have been a roaring fire in my quads barely registered as a twinge. It was during my yoga series that, in the midst of an inverted pose, my stomach lurched in revolt. It was sudden and momentarily debilitating, but I settled into a child's pose and rode the nausea out for less than a minute. That bit of dizzy seasickness was the only disagreeable moment of an entire morning spent in existential bliss, and I can't help but think I encouraged it with aggressively upside-down yoga.
For my first go-around with this concentrate, the relatively moderate 66% THC misled my stoner hubris and the resulting high brought me back to earth in a very literal way. I had to remind myself that a concentrate is just that: concentrated cannabis you should approach with caution no matter your experience level. Learning curves aside, Eel River Organics has turned out a fine product with their Chernobyl Live Diamonds. It looks like rich amber honey flecked with glistening sugar crystals and a citrusy perfume that smells like pure summer. Bottom line: as long as you’re not pushing your limits or holding a headstand for too long, you can expect to feel breezy wonder woman vibes all day.