“Its smell is one of its best qualities, sweet and citrusy with strong notes of lemon, orange, and a little grapefruit.”

The first thing you’ll notice about Caliva’s Dream Queen flower is its scent—only a designer weed can smell this dreamy. Honestly, its smell is one of its best qualities, sweet and citrusy with strong notes of lemon, orange, and a little grapefruit. I’ve heard some people pick up pineapple and even bubblegum. In any case, get your nose in there and have at it. After satisfying my olfactory needs, I packed a bowl and smoked the Dream Queen out of a pipe because, well, I was too lazy to roll a joint. Besides, every time I remember I have a sexy little Jane West glass pipe, I’m always like, “Hey, little lady! How you been?”

I smoked before going into the comedy theatre, so I was already pretty buzzed when I got inside. I met up with my friends, who brought their sweet little baby. Socialization was easy and fun, but again, only because I did not overdo it. Too many hits on this strain would have left me wondering if that baby was judging my life choices with its piercing baby eyes. No one wants to be judged by a baby—trust me, I’ve been there before. You’ll start questioning the pants you’re wearing and then spiral into an internal debate about your career path, lifestyle, and relationships. Fucking babies, man.

Anyway, the movie we watched was the classic 13 Going on 30, starring Jennifer Garner and Mark Ruffalo. Yes, I said classic. (If you’re not on board for this, please exit this review now.) The entertainment began and we chatted about the film onstage before screening it. I felt comfortable and funny. As a comedian, any weed that makes me feel even funnier is always a gift, but sometimes the strains promoting creativity can trigger paranoia in large doses, so for the third time, y’all: go slow.

I brought my dog to the show with me (yes, I’m the best), and once we cozied up to watch the movie, I was feeling pretty content. Mark Ruffalo felt amazing. Sorry, I mean, this high felt amazing. It was cute but not too cute and still approachable in a sweet guy kind of way. It's the kind of flower you wouldn't mind bringing home to your mom.

I should state here for the purpose of context that I’ve seen 13 Going on 30 roughly two dozen times in my life (I gave you an out earlier, people), and I truly believe it is one of the best pieces of cinema ever created. I was not battling PMS alone at home on my couch, so I was overly confident I wouldn’t tear up at the part where the Billy Joel song “Vienna” comes on and Jennifer Garner is depressed, so she goes back to her childhood home and gets in bed with her mom. But as soon as Billy uttered those sweet, sweet opening lines, I literally lost my shit. I wept like an infant. Tears streamed down my face and I shook with the sheer effort of trying to hide my sobs from the people sitting next to me. Who’s to say if this particular cannabis helped me tap into a raw, emotional place, but it certainly didn’t stop me from going there.

“Go easy. It’s a very potent strain and nobody likes a hero.”

After we finished the movie, we chatted a little more with the audience about what they thought. Two 20-something boys had brought their mom to the show and that made me melt. I talked to them about how this silly romantic comedy is so honest and real. I still felt a nice pleasant buzz, and I could’ve talked to them all night. It was pure magic just like the movie itself. So, to recap, Caliva’s Dream Queen is great for creativity, socialization, performing, and/or watching a movie that’ll push you to sob in public. But, at the risk of repeating myself, go easy with this one. It’s a very potent strain and nobody likes a hero. Take a small hit, then wait a few minutes to see how you feel. Mark Ruffalo isn’t going anywhere.