Your Weed Workout Survival Kit: Portland Edition
Guide by Brianna Wheeler
Aug 05, 2019 · 5 min read

Whether you're looking to sink into a stretch or up your cardio game, this cannabis kit has your back and your abs.

If the skunky vapor that pervades my local Planet Fitness parking lot is any indication, cannabis-fueled workouts have gone loudly mainstream. To my surprise and delight, I’m only one of many iron-pumping, stair-stepping varsity stoners at the gym these days. The club is full of folks who, like me, have been turned on to the theory that the most effective, comfortable, and fun workouts happen under the influence of cannabis. Luckily, we’re living in a time when there are tons of products to suit each and every one of our lifestyles.

For example, certain cannabis products can help manifest meditative tranquility from an otherwise simple series of stretches. There are products that can encourage flexibility, spark magical thoughts, and soothe antagonistic muscle groups (I’m talking to you, thighs). Conversely, some products offer an effervescent fizz that sparkles enough to fuel any number of high-intensity aerobic workouts. I can’t speak for all the gym stoners out here, but I’m more apt to challenge my physical limitations when weed—whether it comes in the form of a vape, tincture, edible, etc.—is in the picture. 

As an active member of the Proper Cannabis Committee, I audition a ton of products while going about my everyday routines. These are the standouts I personally endorse for ultimate gym satisfaction.

For Sinking Into All Kinds Of Positions

I took this cartridge to a yoga class and hit downward dog so hard prana was shooting out of all seven of my chakras. What followed was a calm relaxation that let my mind drift towards blissful vacuity. If the foundation of the workout is deep breathing and relaxing into a stretch, a couple hits of Orchid’s Lemon Kush practically ensures a supremely rewarding sesh.

Life’s too short not to eat candy that'll help you fold yourself in half at the gym.

Abduction workouts are my favorite workouts to disassociate from. And eating a piece or two of chocolate in the hours before surrendering yourself to a reformer just feels… correct. Peak Extracts’ 9lb Hammer checks off all the requirements: the chocolate is a top-shelf justifiable treat, the high is extravagantly illusory, and the notes of relaxation harmonize body and mind so that the mind can wander while the body falls naturally into place.

Whether your stretches are static, dynamic, passive, or active, a little cognitive distraction can be of assistance. With a mind free to meander away from goals, the body can pick up the fitness slack without the interruption of a naggy inner “I can(‘t) do it!” monologue. And if a scoop of fizzy popping candy feels counter-intuitive to your workout, then recalibrate your intuition because life’s too short not to eat candy that'll help you fold yourself in half at the gym.

For Spacing Out So Hard You Forget You're Doing Cardio

The special cardio high that occurs once you’ve hit a wall only to overcome it and press on is singular. When that high coalesces with the high from Yerba Buena’s White Cookies, you might do more than overcome your wall. You may casually smash it to bits like Classic Lady Hulk (or Modern Professor Hulk) while writing poetry in your head. That’s what I did anyway. White Cookies made three fiery hours of cardio interval training feel like 30 minutes of meditative personal problem-solving. I walked away with more defined glutes and a more defined sense of self.

I walked away with more defined glutes and a more defined sense of self.

A bubbly body high does for a cardio workout what nitrous oxide does for a street racer; it might not fly professionally, but it sure makes the professional way seem like a boring waste of time. In other words, these Wyld gummies are an excellent foil for a galumphing cardio workout. The sweetly spacey head high is bolstered by a cool physical detachment that feels as if it’s remade one’s body into helium balloons. So don’t ask yourself if you want to spend 45 minutes on an elliptical machine or go for a ride on a magic carpet. Just eat this gummy and do both.

For High-Intensity, Limit-Pushing Circuit Training 

High-intensity workouts require lucidity, which means cognitive function is paramount. Avitas’ Quantum Kush Pod is precisely the type of clear-headed, energetic product that makes the circuit fly by without sending the user’s cognizance into the stratosphere. It is at once grounded and buoyant, just like me when I’m struggling in vain to do one solitary pull-up.

Its crystalline head high is all coffee, and the energetic body high is buttery soft.

Of all the caffeinated cannabis products, this is my favorite. At the gym is has no equal. Its crystalline head high is all coffee, and the energetic body high is buttery soft. Pair it with a handful of almonds to bypass any hint of a queasy onset and go on to conquer every single station in the circuit like you invented muscles. Then continue to dominate the day as if you didn't just spend an hour annihilating yourself.

This fragrant vape cartridge is the equivalent of an electrified strawberry smoothie. It feels at once nourishing and shockingly stimulating. And let me tell you, when this vape comes to the gym, it comes to do one thing only: pump. This is not a relaxing high or an introspective high but rather about as close as cannabis can get to feeling like an amphetamine. One sip and physical exertion becomes the primary focus, so keep it out of the movie theater or the library or anywhere else that discourages a sweaty bottom and casual grunting.

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Orchid EssentialsLemon Kush


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